I was looking for something to review that HASN’T been done to Death yet, and I came across this little game called Destiny, made by some developer called Bungie, seems they also made a series of games called Halo, where you play as a Master Chef, and your goal is to fry fish that you catch in flood areas, I don’t know, it sounds silly, but it must be popular since their’s a fifth one coming out soon. Enough about that though, let’s talk about Destiny, and it’s expansions. Hoo-rah.
In Destiny, you play as a Gourd, one of 3 flavors, and each of these flavors have 3 versions of that flavor, so it’a really 9 flavors but that’s besides the point. There’s also a floating talking apple, who does nothing but make sure you’re full of apple juice, and open doors, any door at all with his sneaky little apple tricks. Anyway we’ll call him Apple-Pie, because why not?
So the game begins with Apple-Pie flying around looking for you, specifically you, a dried up Gourd, The dried up Gourd. There are plenty of other dried up Gourds, but you’re special, because reasons. So Apple-Pie finds you, and fills you with Apple Juice, thus you can move and stuff now, but you still don’t have your Super Gourd abilities, so Apple-Pie makes you run around in circles till you can shoot watermelon seeds from your mouth, throw exploding oranges at people, and do your specific Gourd Flavor Kamehameha.
Apple-Pie leads you to a prototype of Samus’ ship, where some Space Pirates are camping out at, and telling scary stories around a campfire, you know, camp stuff. Apple-Pie tells you to give them the Seeds and Oranges, so you do without question and fly away in your shiny new flying scrap heap. You soon learn to get used to this cycle, of giving seeds, and oranges, then flying away. Apple-Pie then leads you to a floating cracked egg, that people hope still has yolk, so you can talk to the Eggman. Eggman loves the Flying Eggshell, big surprise, and it’s here that we learn that Eggman doesn’t know anything, even though he pretends to know everything.
Once you’re done with Eggman, you upgrade your flying scrap heap, so it can fly further. All that’s left is to stare at the Eggshell while dancing for a few hours, to appease Apple-Pie. All of a sudden you’re back in space in your Flying Boat, from here you fly to the moon, because they have a Bug infestation that only Gourds with Apples can kill so you go and do that. While you do most of the extermination, a Hooded Robot stops you midway, because reasons. Hood-bot ironically reveals to you she hates Robots, and wants you to meet her on Venus, because going to the moon is to much hassle for Hood-bot, even though she was just there. Apple-Pie thinks this is all great, and since he gave you apple juice you go along with him with no questions.
You show up at Venus, kill robots, meet Hood-Bot so she can show you she’s just as dumb as Eggman, but hey at least she points you towards some big things to kill, over at Mars. Apple-Pie, like the psychopath he is, is all for it, so you go to Mars and kill the giant robots, and a black blob. There was something to do with Cables, but no one really cares. You go back to the Eggshell; Eggman gives a speech; Hood-bot gives you a gun, then you fly away. Then you fly back, to talk to Eggman, to receive a reward thing.
The Dark Below:
All of a sudden, some Goth Girl who cries darkness reminds you of the Moons bug problem so you go back and squash them at it’s root, by killing Crouton, the leader of the bugs. Poor Crouton was already mentally disable and not all there due to a previous confrontation with him, Apple-Pie prods you to end him anyway. Apple-Pie sure is a sick twisted soul.
House of Wolves:
Right after that, there’s this monarchy ruled by a Queen in the asteroid belt, and she needs your help. Apparently the space pirates, betrayed her, and now she wants them dead. You’ve seen them before in your Gourd adventures, and Apple-Pie was always saying “KILL THEM!” and so you did, nothing is different here, so that’s exactly what happened this time as well. So you chased their leader, Skull Lass up to the skies of Venus where you finally captured him, only to kill him in prison later.
The Taken King:
While this was happening, word of Croutons death get’s out and his dad decides he wants revenge. Turns out Croutons dad is the Pokemon Onix, and he likes capturing things in Masterballs so he can use them to fight you. It becomes apparent why Crouton became Mentally disabled, as Onix displays his stupidity when he decides he doesn’t want to catch you in a Master Ball, and because of this ultimately fails in his quest of revenge. Turns out that apple juice is basically water, so you were able to water-gun him, and as you probably guessed, it was super effective against Onix, and he died. You made a sword out of his remains, and even now you continue running rampant across the solar system, hoping to increase your ever growing card collection… because that’s a thing. Gourds love cards, like kids loved Pokemon cards. So that’s that.
So that’s the Story thus far, shortish, simplish, and sweetish… not really. But this topic has been beaten to death. We know the vanilla game was weak in story, so weak it couldn’t lift a pebble, and the two DLC’s afterward didn’t do to much better. Now, we have the Taken King, and while it is a much better step forward, it still has ways to go, and I think it’ll get there… eventually. All in all, Destiny has a huge world, and leaves you watering in the mouth for more, well it does that to me. Yes, I drool on occasion. I’m not ashamed. Seriously. That was my closing statement, so here’s a score or something.
6 Watermelons/10 Oranges
~See you on the flip side, Gourds.